An Open Letter to Youth Sports Parents

I went to local 7th/8th grade championships yesterday to support various players that I've had the pleasure of coaching over the last couple years. I was very disappointed in the behavior I witnessed in the stands last night, to the point that I felt the need to write the principal to address it. I also wrote a letter that I told him he was welcome to share with the parents should he be interested. Below is that letter (I removed the intro/ending). I am confident that the staff will handle the situation as necessary, but I hope moving forward our schools/clubs continue to hold parents accountable for their behavior so these situations are prevented. While this was directed at a select few, I think a lot of the information should be given to all parents before their child begins to play youth sports.

Some statistics you should know: According to a 2012 study, there were 418,903 girls that participated in their volleyball program, and 25,165 that participated at the collegiate level. Roughly estimated, about 6% of girls who participate in high school will play in college, and maybe 1% will actually have some sort of athletic scholarship. 0.3% of Collegiate Women’s Volleyball players actually go on to play professionally. It is a safe assumption that most the girls in the gym last night will not be playing the sport to make their living. Furthermore, studies indicate that winning is not what drives young kids to play sports – a recent one broke it down into 81 specific statements, and winning came up as 48^th (here is a link to that article if you’d like to read it).

Sports, to me, is unique because for many humans, it is their first experience with dealing with failure. Your conference has eight teams. All eight teams can work hard and try their best to win, and only one will leave the final match with a trophy. I moved to coach juniors not for wins and losses, but to teach kids lessons that transcend volleyball – after all, most of them will go on to do something else with their lives. It teaches them how to work well with others. It teaches them how to have to deal with adversity. It teaches them that sometimes, you’ll do everything to the best of your ability and it doesn’t guarantee you’ll achieve your end goal.

It also teaches us about dealing with external circumstances – a statement I use as a coach is controlling the controllables. Because there will be games where your child physically has a bad day. There will be days where the refs make bad calls (and believe me – you’ll also get calls to go your way as well from time to time. I don’t envy the job of being a referee, it’s not as easy as you may think it is). Sometimes, your coach may make or not make a move that you disagree with – but you can’t control that – all you can control is how you do your job – either being engaged at the task at hand on the court, or supporting your team on the bench.

I have ran countless tournaments both for adults and juniors, and the behavior I saw from some parents yesterday would have been more than enough to remove them from the facility. Walking out from the bleachers screaming for the coach to call timeout (they had already motioned for one before this happened) is unacceptable behavior. Screaming sarcastic remarks when they make certain moves so that everyone can hear it is not acceptable either. Profanity loud enough that people 5-6 rows up can hear, especially with younger siblings of players in near proximity - it is extremely disappointing. But the worst infraction in my opinion came after the third game that was played in order to get more kids the ability to play (both teams had over 12 players). The final point had landed, and not a single clap or cheer was made for the kids commending them for their effort.

Immediately, I heard parents speaking with their child attacking external circumstances. I didn’t hear anything about giving their best effort, or about things they individually could build on moving forward. I didn’t hear about how it was a great season and 2^nd out of 8 teams is still respectable. There were some great lessons to be learned last night, and I felt many of them were lost in a mixture of anger/frustration because there was so much emphasis on winning/losing.

As a parent in the stands during a match, you have one job – to support the children in a positive manner. These are 12-14 year old girls learning how to compete the right way. Should you want to ask questions about decisions or offer your input, writing something the day after is the most constructive way you can relay your concerns to the appropriate staff.

I realize that most of your frustrations are because you simply want what’s best for your child. I am sure you know from your own experiences that you won’t be able to protect them from disappointing results from time to time – they are going to have their bumps in the road. What you can do is help them learn to bounce back from those experiences and work that much harder for when the next opportunity arises. I watch a lot of matches and constantly see coaches make/not make moves I do not agree with – I also see kids not engaged on the bench, kids pointing fingers at each other instead of themselves, and many other physical/mental miscues that they can improve on. Unless a child gives their absolute all to the match physically/mentally (that includes on the sidelines), then they shouldn’t be focused on what their coaches, ref, or teammates did or didn’t do. If they focus on this mentality, it will give them the best chance of being successful – both on and off the court.